Filed under: Australia, Connex, Lynne Kosky, Melbourne, Metlink, Politics, Public Transport, Yarra Trams
Victoria has experienced a 20 per cent increase in public transport cretinage over the past twelve months. Simply put, this is 20 per cent more pole huggers and space-wasters than at the time last year. As a result of the increased crush on decaying infrastructure; I have reluctantly introduced new public transport regulations for Victoria.
Farters
Train, tram and bus farters are to be immediately taken from the place of fartation and tied to a chair in a gas chamber, whereupon the flatulence of elephants with diarrhoea shall be pumped into said chamber. The convicted criminal shall remained tied to he chair until they start to grow tusks.
Pole Huggers.
Pole huggers are the intellectually bereft cretins who lean against poles in crowded train vestibules, thereby taking up valuable pole space. These inconsiderate oafs then look on while their fellow passengers search and seek for alternative means of ensuring that they are not thrown about the vestibule and into other passengers. Mostly, the polite non-pole huggers are then forced to place their hand on the roof of the carriage for the entirety of their journey. The punishment for pole huggers is to have a pole surgically inserted because they like poles so much.
Loud Talkers.
Loud talkers shall have their mobile phones confiscated and their vocal chords ripped out with a potato peeler. They will then be forced to quit their jobs and work at the Metlink call centre dealing exclusively with customer complaints.
Old People Travelling out of Curfew Hours.
Old people have no business being on public transport during peak hour and are only allowed on public transport between 9 am and 3pm, and after 7pm Monday to Friday. Any old person who attempts to travel outside these hours shall be removed from the vehicle and forfeit all their cash and valuables. They will then be spun around three times, kicked up the arse and told to make their own way home.
People Travelling with Bikes.
People may travel with bikes only after 8pm Monday to Friday. Any person who attempts to travel with a bike outside of these hours shall forfeit their bicycle and be given inline skates and tied to the back of train by a piece of rope no less than ten metres long. Upon arrival at their station, they will be untied from the train and allowed to go about their daily business.
Seat Baggers.
The crime of seat bagging is one of the most serious offences in the new public transport rules and regulations. A seat bagger is a person who places his or her briefcase, suitcase, handbag, backpack or any other carrying case on a seat to prevent another person from sitting there. The punishment for seat bagging is death, with the criminal to be immediately removed from the public transport vehicle and buried up to their knees, whereupon they will be beaten to death by heavy set Crapex staff carrying over-stuffed Fendi Baguettes handed into lost property.
Train Pissers.
People who urinate on trains, trams or busses will forfeit all right to live in free society forever. They will be immediately removed from the vehicle and taken to the Werribee sewerage treatment plant whereopon they will be given floaties and be sentenced to spend the term of their natural lives bobbing up and down amongst the untreated sewerage.
These rules and regulations have been approved by oneplanetmikey, the democratically elected leader of the people’s republic of oneplanetmikey.
Connex crapped itself again on Friday morning. Over the PA system at Southern Cross Station, this anouncement was made;
“Attention all passengers on Platform 11. All trains on the Williamstown, Werribbee, Sydenham, Broadmeadows and Upfield lines will be ten to fifteen minutes late. This is due to late trains.”
Dear Ms Kosky, I am writing to you in your capacity as Minister for Transport and in my capacity as a frustrated commuter to complain about the abominable service from Connex.
I have a myriad of complaints regarding their service, and they focus mostly on delayed and cancelled trains. For example, the 7.59 from Thornbury from Flinders Street today was cancelled. The next train, the 8.11 was so crowded that it looked like it was taking people to be gassed in a concentration camp. The 8.31 train, which was highly anticipated by the people who had hung in there and waited since the cancellation of the 7.59, was also cancelled. After that I gave up and caught a tram into the city. My journey from Thornbury to Newport took 2 hours and 15 minutes. More than an hour longer than normal.
Now I understand that the heat, blackouts and defective trains being removed from service, may impact on what is already a sub-standard and un-safe service. But today exceeded my already low expectations of Connex. Quite simply it is not good enough.In regards to passenger safety I have grave concerns for the safety and wellbeing of passengers, particularly during peak times. This fear comes from considerable experience commuting and is based on the fact that, when a train is full and passengers are standing in the vestibule, there is nothing to hang on to. Apart from the roof, door or fellow-passenger breaking your fall. Should a train ever derail, brake suddenly, or lurch violently, people will be hurt. Finally Ms Kosky, as Minister for Transport I would urge you to terminate the contract of Connex immediately. It is my understanding that since privatisation, government subsidies have tripled, yet we are still waiting to see a dramatic increase in service reliability. Time and time again, Connex has failed in its basic obligations to transport the Victorian public in a safe and timely manner. It is unreliable and unsafe. I’m just glad it isn’t an airline. Should you wish me to visit Connex HQ and tell them that they are no longer required, or if you need any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Dear Ms Kosky
On January 17, 2007 I wrote to you about Crapex and the disgraceful state of Victoria’s public transport system. It is disappointing to note that since then very little has changed.
While more trains are running more often and while the level of lateness and cancellations has reduced, they have become so overcrowded I am now expecting Crapex to make its fuller-figured passengers diet.
Already this week I have had to stand on the platform and wave goodbye as the 8.11 am Thornbury to Flinders Street train was incapable of squeezing just one more sardine onto the tin, err train.
And today, once again passengers were left behind. This time it was the 7.59 am train which was absolutely chokers by the time it arrived at Thornbury station. Those lucky enough to squeeze in made friends and potentially babies with the nice folk from the northern suburbs.
Once on board we were treated to a somewhat funny journey as the train arrived at station after station and potential commuters ran up and down the platform looking for the least crowded carriage to try and jump on. The look of disappointment on the faces of those left behind was amusing to me because of my smugness at being able to catch the train of my choice. I would have laughed, but with space at a premium there is absolutely no room for breathing let alone a hearty guffaw or chuckle.
Being stuck in the vestibule and unable to move at all, I could only count the number of people in front and to the side of me. There were twenty-three, with perhaps another ten behind me. Now, I am a nice guy. My mother likes me and despite what some people say, I am quite friendly. However, this degree of friendliness on a daily basis is draining.
I am writing to you today to beg you to ask Connex to schedule more peak hour trains between Epping and the City each morning. Between 7 am and 8 am currently there are only four. As this corridor is rapidly growing in population I would suggest that this is a woefully inadequate level of service for the population it supposedly serves.
Yours sincerely
Michael
