I am not entirely sure what I have done is ethical, but a Nigerian email scammer wrote to my gmail account. I wrote back.
Dear Friend,
I wish to inform you about my success in getting those funds
transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Japan. Now I am in Japan
for investment projects with my partner. Therefore contact my secretary in
Cotonou Benin Republic his name is;
MR. geamy nardy
He will send you a CERTIFIED BANK CHECK of ($800.000.00 ) compensation
which I kept for all the past efforts and attempts you made to assist me in
that transaction.
Most importantly, send to him your current Contact Address and your
Telephone Numbers to enable him send you the consignment box without delay.
Please let me know immediately you receive it so that I can share the joy with you.
Thanks and God bless you.
MR. Aluma Jd
Hello
I do not remember helping you. If you could please provide me with more details of my actions and the date that I assisted I would be most grateful as it would be remiss of me to take such a large payment.
Thanks you and kind regard,
Michael
Dear Michael,
Your email were well received, since I have been expecting to hear from you.
Anyway, my boss left a bank draft of $800.000, which I was instructed to send to you as soon as you request for it.Currently the draft is here with me in Benin Republic and I will mail the draft to you from here as soon as we arranged for the mailing process.And for your information you are to bear the cost of mailing the draft to you as the bank draft will be mail via courier servce and my boss did not left any money for the mailing of the draft.
I will also try to find out the cost of delivery today and you will also reconfirm you house address where the draft will be sent to,so I will be expecting to hear from you today by then I will be able to find out the cost of delivery.
Waiting for your urgent reply.
Mr Nardy
Dear Mr Nardy,
I am travelling from Australia to Africa, landing in Johannesburg July 2nd. I have several business committments in South Africa during that week as I have recently been promoted to Southern Africa manager for an international firm specialising in providing low cost computer solutions to the world’s poor. I am suggesting that on 10 July I will fly you from your nearest city to Johannesburg and we can finally meet. As you seem like such a nice gentlemen I would be willing to provide you with a gratutity of fifty per cent of the $800, 000.
Please let me know if this arrangement is accecptible and I will have my secretary make he necessary bookings. Personaly while in Johannesburg I like to stay at the Hilton Hotel, but if you would prefer another five star hotel I am most willing to pay for your stay there.
Many thanks and God bless, gentlemen like you are very few in this world.
Dear Michael.
The arrangement is well ok but you have to receive the cheque before july because of its expeir, so you to sand the $155 for the registration of the cheque to enable you receive the cheque ealier next week okay.
Have a nice weeked.
Mr Nardy
Dear Mr Nardy
If you could please provide me with bank account details for me to deposit the cheque, I would be most grateful.
Thank you for your patience and compassion.
Michael
Dear Mr Nardy
It has occurred to me that a forward thinking and strategic man like yourself would be very much able to assist me in my work, providing computers to the world’s poor. As such, I am prepared to offer you a retainer for you to to help me do business in Africa and in Benin in particular. As my company is supported by the UNHCR and other Non Government Organisations I propose to offer you a retainer of $US 20, 000 per month for you to act as my agent in West Africa. Any additional expenses such as accomodation, flights, meals and gifts that you may need to buy in order for you to gain favour, would of course be paid for by my company. This would also include a mobile phone and laptop computer. At this stage I am not able to reveal the name of my Company, however you would have heard of it as my company has a global commitment to social justice and helping the world’s poor. When we meet, and after you sign my company’s binding non-disclosure agreement, I would be delighted to reveal the full potential of this deal.
I would very much hope that you would be able to provide me with contacts, particularly your president Dr Yayi Boni and the finance minister.
Please respond immediately with your intentions regardin this offer, and a local bank account I can deposit the clearance fee into.
Kind regards and God Bless,
Michael
Hello Michael .
I will like to have your number so tha i will call you for more discussion. i will give you the detail of the issued bank were the cheque was kept for secruity purose so that you will contact them before the expeir date okay.
Mr Nardy
Dear Mr Nardy
It is with great pleasure that I provide for you one airline ticket fromLagos to Johnannesburg. Please print this document out and take it to the airport. If you need help getting to Nigeria, pease email me and I will provide a deposit so you can make your own arrangements. My apologies, buy my assistant was unable to purchase a fare for you from Australia. I look forward to seeing you in South Africa.
Kind regards and God Bless,
Michael
Mr Nardy
It is probably much easier if I telephone you as I am flying to Singapore today for a meeting with my CEO, who has requested details of your skills and abilities. I must therefore ask you to submit to me a resume or CV of your educational and work achievements. Please do this without delay as Mr Gates has indicated that if your qualificatuons and experience are suitable he would be willing to increase your proposed retianer to $US 50, 000 per month.
Mr Gates has also requested a photograph of you which can be made into an identity card for so you can access our worldwide headquarters in New York City.
Kind regards
Michael
I have not heard from Mr Nardy since the last email. I think I went too far and blew it.
I was informed by the Dear Leader, that the Big Oil Company has scheduled my execution for October 31, 2007. Yes, for the second time in 18 months I have been made redundant. This means I will be redeployed into the labour market.
I have decided that this is good because I am a clever, creative and cute guy and I will easily fall on my feet. I plan to sell the Big Issue. Or drugs. Or maybe I’ll drop my daks and become the world’s oldest rent boy. Yes, that is it. I am going to be a street hustler.
I work for a multinational oil company. We are the incredible shrinking firm, with restructure after restructure and redundancy after redundancy. Today is quite exciting as a new round of executions, er layoff, er restructures, has been announced. And it is great.
Eighty per cent of the work done in my team will no longer be done by team, because we are shedding the customer base that my team supports. This means with eighty per cent less work to do, there will probably be eighty per cent less work for us to all do on a daily basis. And won’t that be fun.
Oh silly me, I have just realised that eighty per cent of us will be made redundant. I forgot, they shoot workers, don’t they?
Filed under: A Current Affair, Anna Coren, Australia, Media, Naomi Robson, Politics, Television, Today Tonight, Tracey Grimshaw
I have decided that if you can’t beat the cretins, you may as well join the cretins, which is why I am in the process of developing my own tabloid television current affairs programme. It will be broadcast nightly from my couch, or the Bender Bar in Thornbnury if I stop and have a drink on my way home from work.
I have decided to do this because I am sick of being powerless and underpaid, and if Tracey Grimshaw and Anna Cretin, err Coren can sell their soul to the devil and present the utter fucking shit they do night after night, and without even the slightest hint of embarrasment or decency, well then, so can I.
I am going to call the programme A Cretin Affair. It will feature me introducing stories and looking concerned as I make pithy and intereseting segueways between stories. Sometimes I will look like I am about to tear-up, but being a trained prostitute, er I mean performance artist, I can safely assure readers it will be an act as I shall just be stabbing myself in the leg with something sharp.
I pledge my programme will stand up for the little Aussie battler and the the opressed as I campaign against migrants, dole bludgers and fat kids. I will chase after shonky tradies, love rats and use a lie detector on all federal and state politicains who apprear on A Cretin Affair. I will be the friend of the friendless, and make the world a safer place by exposing how evil and mean it is.
So if you are reading this and think that you have the journalistic chops to report on this programme, drop me a line via the comments box. I’ll be in touch.
From all of us here at oneplanetmikey, thanks for watching. Goodnight.
Filed under: A Current Affair, Alan Jones, Anna Coren, Australia, Big Brother, Britney Spears, John Howard, Lindsay Lohan, Media, Metlink, Naomi Robson, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton, Pole Huggers, Politics, Today Tonight, Tracey Grimshaw
I am over celebrity criminals, in the same way I am over celebrity chefs and Big Brother bogans polluting the airwaves with their inane drivel. The following is a list of people who should be imprisoned for the term of their natural life.
John Howard – for crimes against humanity
Paris Hilton – for being a brain dead trashbag
Lindsay Lohan – ditto
Nicole Ritchie – for being an upchucking trashbag
Britney Spears – psychobitch trashbag
Pole Huggers – the cretins on the train who take up all the available space.
Alan Jones – rancid, toilet trading rightwing polluter of the airwaves
Gossip columnists – the vile molls who write Sydney Confidential
Naomi Robson – tabloid cretin
Anna Coren – as one tabloid cretin dies, another pops up
Tracey Grimshaw – she should know better
By removing these people from society we will live in a better world. It is time all good people rose up and launched a law and order kick, If you see any of these people out and about on the street, please for the sake of your fellow citizen, take them directly to jail.
Filed under: Australia, Connex, Lynne Kosky, Melbourne, Metlink, Politics, Public Transport, Yarra Trams
Victoria has experienced a 20 per cent increase in public transport cretinage over the past twelve months. Simply put, this is 20 per cent more pole huggers and space-wasters than at the time last year. As a result of the increased crush on decaying infrastructure; I have reluctantly introduced new public transport regulations for Victoria.
Farters
Train, tram and bus farters are to be immediately taken from the place of fartation and tied to a chair in a gas chamber, whereupon the flatulence of elephants with diarrhoea shall be pumped into said chamber. The convicted criminal shall remained tied to he chair until they start to grow tusks.
Pole Huggers.
Pole huggers are the intellectually bereft cretins who lean against poles in crowded train vestibules, thereby taking up valuable pole space. These inconsiderate oafs then look on while their fellow passengers search and seek for alternative means of ensuring that they are not thrown about the vestibule and into other passengers. Mostly, the polite non-pole huggers are then forced to place their hand on the roof of the carriage for the entirety of their journey. The punishment for pole huggers is to have a pole surgically inserted because they like poles so much.
Loud Talkers.
Loud talkers shall have their mobile phones confiscated and their vocal chords ripped out with a potato peeler. They will then be forced to quit their jobs and work at the Metlink call centre dealing exclusively with customer complaints.
Old People Travelling out of Curfew Hours.
Old people have no business being on public transport during peak hour and are only allowed on public transport between 9 am and 3pm, and after 7pm Monday to Friday. Any old person who attempts to travel outside these hours shall be removed from the vehicle and forfeit all their cash and valuables. They will then be spun around three times, kicked up the arse and told to make their own way home.
People Travelling with Bikes.
People may travel with bikes only after 8pm Monday to Friday. Any person who attempts to travel with a bike outside of these hours shall forfeit their bicycle and be given inline skates and tied to the back of train by a piece of rope no less than ten metres long. Upon arrival at their station, they will be untied from the train and allowed to go about their daily business.
Seat Baggers.
The crime of seat bagging is one of the most serious offences in the new public transport rules and regulations. A seat bagger is a person who places his or her briefcase, suitcase, handbag, backpack or any other carrying case on a seat to prevent another person from sitting there. The punishment for seat bagging is death, with the criminal to be immediately removed from the public transport vehicle and buried up to their knees, whereupon they will be beaten to death by heavy set Crapex staff carrying over-stuffed Fendi Baguettes handed into lost property.
Train Pissers.
People who urinate on trains, trams or busses will forfeit all right to live in free society forever. They will be immediately removed from the vehicle and taken to the Werribee sewerage treatment plant whereopon they will be given floaties and be sentenced to spend the term of their natural lives bobbing up and down amongst the untreated sewerage.
These rules and regulations have been approved by oneplanetmikey, the democratically elected leader of the people’s republic of oneplanetmikey.
Alan Jones has been sacked from his $100, 000 a year job delivering turgid editorials on the Nine Network’s Today programme. Thank God!
And while this is undoubtedly good news for those who like me hate the man; I am amazed, flabbergasted even, that it took twenty years to get rid of the right wing toss pot.
Seriously, the man has all the warmth of heated-up gangrene. And on breakfast television too!
Time and time again the alleged toilet-trader has been busted for plagiarism.
Time and time again he is before the courts for breaching broadcasting standards.
And time and time again he has made me want to throw my cornflakes at the tele.
Well no more. Alan, it is time for you to go mate. Perhaps in your retirement, you and the suburban solicitor could play a round of golf.
Filed under: Australia, Baseball Bats, Election, John Howard, Liberal, Politics
John Howard told the Liberal Party room in May that he believed the voters did not have the metaphorical baseball bats out for him or his government. Too right! I got me a white-picket fence post with his name on it!
I found this on the net. I do not know who drew it, however as it is so funny I am posting it without attribution.
